Gone With the Wind of Maturity

Im a chick who holds to the saying that Laughter IS the best medicine...I like to see people smile..i'll embarass myself just to make sumone's day....I make jokes...laugh for no apparent reason just to see a person smile....no matter how lousy i feel...Smiles on a person's face changes my whole perspective on that particular day....its like i feel im responsible to bring smiles to the people i love no matter how much of hurt i feel...thats just who i am...so acting kiddish and immature at times is just something that gets applied to or associated to me....which is why I'm telling you this story today...the day i change...

I'm tired of people thinking me immature and kiddish...its like everyone around me does not take me serious no more...after i stopped work..i loosened up...i felt at ease...but i guess i let my guard down and didnt control that certain ease of mine....and i just went crazy...which was wrong of me since apparently im leaving quite a very immature impression to people...which cant be blamed coz it was basically my fault in the first place to begin with...i let it happen...

Doesnt mean Im not working now i dun know whats life....i was working for crying out loud...many ppl would not agree with me that working life is awesome...but thats how i felt...i felt working changed my whole perspective of life...taht you gota earn for what you do in your everyday activity....there is no such thing as free stuff....there is always deception and survival of the fittest....doesnt mean if im in college now i have forgotten about all those lessons that i have learnt...I'm young...yes and ive got loads to learn...but that doesnt mean you got the right to labelize me as inexperience...im a 'Work in Progress'...so dun judge me for being imperfect....

When it comes to relationships..i must admit im no fool when it comes to the game of love...I've loved, I've lost and I've learnt...I know when im being played...i know when one is afraid to take risk and i know when one is Trully Madly Deeply...I am who i am today because of what i've learnt from my past experience...doesnt mean if i go back once in awhile to childhood stage im totalli kiddish...this is me trying to dream a bit after facing a hard reality....is that so bad???

So what am i gonna do now you ask??? Im gonna be that matured, knowledgeble chick that i noe i am but just havent shown it much....why? Because its about time i do sumthing with my life...im done with all the 'What ifs'....i wan something concrete in my life...i know my goals and what i wanna be...no more distractions, sidetracks....its just gonna be gone with the wind of MATURITY!!!!

The Crossroads....

In life we come up across certain decision making that makes us dumbfounded, confused, afraid just about anything negative that one can think off...its either we do this...or we do that...choose this or choose that...leaving us in a state of numbness on what to decided next...this is what we call CROSSROADS...where everything connects to each other but only one road can be taken...and you know whats the worst part? Once taken..Turning back is not an option...wether it was good decision or not...you have to face what comes up next....

I for one...never like Crossroads...a most frowned upon situation especially for a clueless person like me could ever face...as it is I'm still learning how to walk on my own two feet...then here comes a challenge which must be faced wether i like it or not EVENTUALLY....this is how it goes...i get to the crossroads...i stand right in the middle of it....i look left...i look right...i look to the front and then to the back...i tip top to get a better more farther view...to see wether i could get a glimpse of whats in store for me....but being stunted as i am...its not realli possible to do so...in a matter of speaking....then I close my eyes...think what should be done...RIGHT....i follow what my 'heart' tells me...and then i open my eyes...and take the road that i chose to be 'greener and less trodden'....a good decision? a bad one? well it all depends on wether i used my brain...my heart or just a clueless 'what the hell' guess....

So what does a person do??? What am i to do? Avoid risk and just live a flat life line...with no ups and downs??? Or do i live life with heartbreaks and heartfelts...with happiness and sadness...love and drama...comedy and thriller...friends and enemies??? Lol...i guess i gave the answer to my own question...don't you think??? :-)

For now im taking the road where I'm a lady learnin to be a woman!!! A Sexy B.I.T.C.H!!!!!

A Vacation...

You know what...uploading pictures is a very easy task....but writing out what one's heart wants to say is not as easy as it appears to be...The vacation that my german bro and his chick had in my land, my country...Malaysia was one of the best times of my life....We had laughter, fun, drama, everything we would ever want....AWESOME!!!! I basically have no words to describe the awesome vacation...we went clubbing..we got stoned...we went sight seeing....we went eating..we went COFFEE BEANING....we went shopping....haiz...i miss my bro...i miss my new found frend Sylvin...but i had an awesome time!!!! just AWESOME!!!!

If i could

Have you ever for just a moment thought about one particular event where you would wanna rewind and make sure it NEVER EVER HAPPENS??? Of coz you cant be able to go back in time like how Harry and Hermione did to save Sirius Black and Buckweed....but just think....IF ONLY you could...which moment would you choose???

I was in Genting just recently....one of the most coolest places you could go to....hated it coz i wasnt with my special sumone like the rest of them...loved it coz i spent time with my bro and his gf from Germany....we had fun....screamed like mad...and everything...here i was feeling happy a bit and but not contented...so yeah i was feeling a bit down in the dumps...and then sumthing came and made me feel even more pardon my jargon but FCUKED UP!!!! Not onli was it embarassing....humiliating but it was dissapointing and upsetting...and i must say...its worse then a heartbreak...Nono...i aint talking about me breaking up or being disspointed with that special someone....this has nothing to do with LOVE....rather to FRIENDSHIP....

If i could turn back time....it would be to a certain particular moment...where everyting remained the same...just neutral....then maybe i won't be feeling so fuied up about this....

However....i do thank God for the people that seem to be permanent in my life...no matter what....there's the Shopaholic...the Coffeeholic...Big Lil' Bro...Big Lil' Sis...Swiss Jakuns...Flat Azz MoNkey....The Mummy ( gretty) and Big Bro...not forgetting CB...lol....but hey...thats just it...once you break a person's heart...you'll never get to piece it back togther....like how Mr. Darcy says it "my good opinion once lost....is lost forever..."

Depression leads to WINDOW SHOPPING

When life takes you down...and all you are faced with is confusion, illusions and depression...all you need is couple of close friends...an early start of the day with sinful pork mee...a chic flick and oh yeah the main order of the day...SHOPPING...no better yet...WINDOW SHOPPING....

This is what happens when you put frends who have been together for like FOREVER...one is aimless after finally non officially graduated....one who works out and is a hermit whenever she isnt doing assignments....and one who is rumoured to be jobless soon but is still a SHOPHOLIC...

Here we are at the prime of our lifes...in a DRESSING ROOM....lol....but to tell you the truth...I wasn't depress that day....what made me depress was not being able to get this dress that i fell in love with at first FIT....you would have to if you wore it too...Just look at the simplicity and innocence of it....haiz....i was soo looking forward to it...until i saw the price...god damn it...it broke my heart!!!!




Haiz...all in all...Ryan Reynolds was cute in 'The Proposal'....the movie would have been better if it was me that he was kissing and not Sandra Bullock...although FlaT aZz would still be No.1 in my list la...lol...anywho...it was a good day...tiring...but girly...

To Change or not to change???

You know when you're in a relationship....you try to change...you compromise just to make sure you're making your present partner be satisfied and happy to be with you....He or she would be proud to call you his/her partner and intro you to all their friends and if you're realli committed to their respective parents....

But what happens when all the sudden...things change...relationship changes...you're not as special as you thought you were...you realise that maybe the chase was all that mattered to them and you're getting boring??? WHat do you do then? Do you change or stay the way you are???

I tried it....i changed a lot for a guy....thought he'd want me even more if i were more feminine...more outgoing...more gila or something.....calls that were frequent became a rare thing....conversations were based on smses....dates were replace with working schdules....laughter became tears and madness....i keep asking myself why???? Why the sudden effect??? And then i find out....the old me was what he wanted all along...that he didnt like the new me...maybe coz it was too intimidating...i'll never know....

So where do i stand now you ask me??? What do i gota do to salvage this already crooked and complicated situation....COMPROMISE according to MY LIFE and how i want it to be....I gotta stop changing myself just coz someone else who's not realli sure yet wether he wants me in his life for a long time....

A Curiosity

So here's the thing....its been quite awhile since i actualli pondered about something or just wanted to say sumthing out loud....all i wanna know is...what is wrong with today's masculine humans???? The word male potrays a certain masculine attribute which is why it was given to you fools in the first place...Leader of the pack, Man of the house, Head of the family....the BOSS...watever the hell you like to call yourselves...but seriusli....you guys are what we call a perfect definiation of dumbness and cowardness.....you wanna know the meaning of coward...or what a coward is...look in the mirror guys...you'll soon find out....

They say that guys will never know what a woman would want...the thing is...its the man that do not know what they want...maybe its both...that i wont deny...but damn...we gals are trying to figure out what the hell you guys realli want....and we try to alter our personality...our bodies for that matter just to satisfy you....but in the ned...its never enough...is it???

Gals...sad to say...have an obsession...when you're with a guy....you wanna be with the guy...you wanna tell him every single thing that happens to you...even the littlest small cut or bruise...but guys seem to have this tendency of not wanting to care...or not exactly paying attention....DUDES....we gals are here for a reason...not just to entertain your every need...but also for you to love and care...right???

We help you 24/7...we hear your every problem...we try to help if we could...we sympathize..but when it comes to the part where we need your help...or when we just need some 'quiet' time together....well its just not possible...Is it just me or guys would rather spend time with themselves rather than with their respective partners???

Am i the only one clueless or does every gal face the same motion....the reason i dun bother the guy i like is because i never wanna be a damn nuisance...i dun like to see the guy 24/7 for fear of getting bored of each other....but not seeing each other at all...then that would be impossible...right??? of coz it spices up the relationship....but too long will cause them to fade away from each other....talking on the phone is something that i love to do....not keeping in contact would be something i would rather not face....

Over the years...i realise that i never was a good gf....i hardly cared...i hardly felt connected to any of them...well there was one or two i thought i was hopelessli in love with...but in the end i found out it wasnt realli love...more like crush or learning about love...the thing is...its curious that we wonder and we wonder what the hell is gonna happen....when is it gonna happen...we are curious as to when his eyes will realli open and realise that heyyyy....there she is...the love i've been finding for....im gonna do everything i can to make her happy..to make her mine.

My oh my....that would be an awesome event if it were to happen....someday i guess....someday...for now..its just a curiosity for all chicks...

The Sanctuary...The Twilight

Twilight is the time before sunrise, or after sunset, when sunlight scattered in the upper atmosphere illuminates the lower atmosphere, and the surface of the Earth is between light and dark. ...

The book series of 'Twilight'...I'm pretty much sure that most of you know what I'm talking about....for the guys...sorry...for the gals...hell yeah...well...i loved the part called 'The Meadow"...mind you..not what they did there...but the place itself...it was like a Sanctuary....a place of refuge...where you feel safe...no matter who you are...or what you are...It's a place where all worries and trouble just goes away...for a brief moment....it is where reality doesn't exist anymore...but only a dream...you just fade into the clouds...floating...flying as a matter of fact...a place where everyone is dying to be in this buzy money minded world of ours...


After years of searching....i finally found my Twilight Sanctuary...its been so close to me...it was just at my backyard...all i had to do was just go a little more further...Here is my place of refuge...here is where i go to dream...It may not be the meadow...but it sure brings me peace...Here is the place where i ponder on how i should venture my life...Here is where i face my problems and find solutions...

Whenever I'm down in the dumps...all i do i run off to this sanctuary of mine...rain or shine...this is my place...i havent been there in the night...I would love to bring him here...just to share with him my Sanctuary...let my place of refuge be his refuge too...but then again...in this buzy world of ours...i doubt it...

So...here is my place of refuge...here is where all my dreams come true...here is where i believe love and life is possible...Here is my Sanctuary...My Twilight....

It Beginz....

So here i am...blur as i am a 5am in the morning thinking of what to do....you might be wondering...what the hell is she still doin up? or she got not other work to do is it? well...honestly...im clueless...i was actualli browsing through all the facebook pages of my friends....yeah...for once i was actualli browsing....so there i was sitting at the computer table...with a drink at the left side...and my phones on the right side...so far no msgs...no phone calls...just silence...which is not at all good for a clueless gal like me...

Recently I've been pondering and contemplating on how my life has been....things have been surprisingly shocking...things you don't expect to happen...Happens....things you don't wanna see end...Ends...and things you want to begin...Begins but doesn't come out the way you plan it to be....You hope...you expect...but when it appears...its not what you want or how you want it to be...'EXPECT THE UNEXPECTED" my dad's favourite saying....actually one of my dad's favourite sayings...hell he's got loads to tell...why you think i still have a curfew?!!!

A friend of mine gave me a shocking revelation...or whatever you call it...this friend of mine told me....that i was a nice gal...but the problem is....i want everything....the way it was said...was like a slap to my face....a realization shall we say...It's true you know...before this I've been greedy....i wanted everything...I didn't care about anyone else...I didn't quite care about other people's thoughts...feelings...jack....All i cared about was how to satisfy my thirst...my wants...my needs...I still have the thought of not wanting to have "WHAT IF'....I'm always afraid of the outcome of what might happen....wether I'm gonna lose a friendship....wether I'm gonna lose the love of my life...wether I'm gonna lose someting valuable...

I admire the people who take up the challenge...of LIFE....they took up the challenge...embraced it....faced it and god damn it...they conquered it....Now im feeling the drive alright...the urge to move on with life....to face obstacles like a man (in a figurative speech that is) and conquer that damn problem that I've been pondering about....

Finally i found something that really touched my heart....it was in front of me all along but i never really saw it coming....now im so afraid of losing it...that i dare not even touch it...But something bad happened to it...and it lost its glow...im not sure wether im allowed to touch, feel or even keep it for my own and no one else's....I'm afraid that it might just drop and roll far away from me...never to be seen or touched again...it almost happened once...and i never want it to happen again....

My friend was right....that i wanted everything....but what my friend don't know wasthat was the me before....the me that i am today...knows what she wants...she doesn't want everything....She just wants that precious stone...that happened to be lying around right in front of her....

So as these clueless journey begins...let us all hope this nigriv will choose the right path rather than the wrong one....but knowing her... she's bound to make funny decisions...which makes this a clueless beginning of a clueless ending....